Sunday, November 28, 2010

FSRI CAFETERIA MENU FOR 29th Nov. - 3rd Dec.

The post is to clarify any misinformation given about the coming week's FSRI cafeteria menu.  The following will be served all week - no exceptions.

BREAKFAST:
Turkey omelet, containing egg, turkey, turkey liver and turkey skin.
Served with small glass of orange juice or water.
$11.99

LUNCH:
Pulled turkey meat on hotdog bun.  Side of crescent roll or piece of unfilled pie crust.
Served with small glass of water.
$14.99

DINNER:
Twice-baked turkey breast slice.  Side of cold turkey fat or potato skin.
Served with can of Coke or glass of water.
$16.49

Thank you, and have a pleasant and productive week...

KWA

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving! - A Word From Karl Wolfbrooks Ager

Once again it's that time of year when we call up our loved ones and friends and invite them to share our good fortune and bounty together at the dinner table.  It is a time to remember good memories and a time to hope for more good memories to come.  It is also a time when we conjure feelings of remorse, bitterness and resentment and a time to suffer from indigestion.  It's also a time for murder.  Sometimes...


I guess that what I'm trying to say is that Thanksgiving should be regarded with a degree of skepticism.  Yes, there are times when we should be thankful that we have what we have ..but can't we do that on our own time, like just before we jump into bed or just after our swim in our private lagoon ..after we receive our morning massage?


Personally, I don't care much for "group" gatherings.  They give me the chills.  The last time I held a "collective" dinner someone wound up dead and the investigation is still pending.  Murder is no way to celebrate gratitude, I say!


What I should be saying here is that Turkey is becoming increasingly expensive.  Turkeys are also becoming larger in size and they are taking much longer to cook.  This means that your guests have to suffer through much longer periods of awkward conversation and aberrant laughter.  Football is a fool's last refuge...  And during Thanksgiving, there's a fool on every couch!


That said, Spinoza and I wish you all a pleasant Holliday reprieve, and best of luck!  We will be enjoying our Thanksgiving at our Bern, Switzerland FSRI offices and welcome all who wish to drop by!


ATTN: all FSRI employees are required to work overtime on Friday as per contractual agreement.


Thank you,
KWA



Thursday, November 18, 2010

KWA's TIP FOR THE DAY #8 - THINGS TO DO ON YOUR COFFEE BREAK

So, you're sitting at your desk and staring at your computer and you find yourself scrolling through an endless series of useless PDF files, all of which appear menacingly similar.  Your coworker is sniffling away with a cold in the cubicle next to yours.  Lunch or quitting time is just too far off to be of significance.  You need to get out of the office for a few minutes and take in some fresh air.  You need a coffee break!

As you thrust your way out of the office, like a blind, drooling and panicked zombie, you realize that you are a business person (...and a multi-tasking business person at that!) and that getting a coffee just isn't enough.  To feel satisfied, you need to accomplish something else on your break and here are a number of things you can do to make your 15 minute diversion feel productive.

While on your coffee break, why not:

1.  Call your stockbroker and place a buy order?


2.  Call and break up with a lover?


3.  Find the hat store around the corner and try on a cowboy hat?


4.  Find a patch of grass and sit in it?


5.  Scan the headlines at a newspaper stand?


6.  Surf the web on your phone?


7.  Write a short poem?


8.  Think about what you're going to do next month?


9.  Email on old high school friend?


10.  Strike up a conversation with a stranger?

Good luck!

KWA

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

KWA's TIP OF THE DAY #7 - CREATING A BUSINESS CARD

If you work for a business, are in business for yourself or are planning on going into business for yourself, here is a piece of advice that is sure to get you up to speed in today's fast-paced business climate.  Create a business card!  When you create a business card be sure to include your name, your contact information and what it is that you do.


If you have your own business card you can give it to:


1.  OTHER BUSINESS PEOPLE


 2.  YOUR PARENTS


 3.  YOUR FRIEND


4.  SOMEONE YOU MEET AT A BAR


5.  THAT BOWL IN THE CAFE WHERE YOU CAN WIN A FREE LUNCH


Good luck!


KWA



Tuesday, November 16, 2010

KWA's TIP OF THE DAY #6 - HOW TO EXECUTE A SUCCESSFUL CORPORATE TAKEOVER



A lot of people ask me: "I'm thinking about getting into corporate raiding.  How do I pull this off successfully?"


It's a good question and it merits a good answer.  Here's what I say to all the people who approach me with this very concern:


1. Offer $5 over the share price for a controlling share of company stock.
2. Acquire the company.
3. Fire the board of directors.  Then rehire all but one of them.
4. Have the board fire 1/2 the company personnel.
5. Wait for stock price to rise (1/2 year).
6. Unload company.
7. Make a billion dollars!


Good luck!
KWA



Sunday, November 14, 2010

KWA's TIP OF THE DAY #5 - HOW TO ANSWER THE PHONE

People often come up to me and ask me this question: "When I get a phone call at work, how do I answer it?"

While many find this question silly (..jeeesh, you'd just answer the call like you always would), there are many who struggle with this problem ..so much so that when calls come in to their office stations they become paralyzed with fear and indecision.  Becoming familiar with a few easy to remember "pick-up" lines can help to reduce those apprehensions and make answering the phone while at work a routine, if not enjoyable, diversion.

Here are ten easy lines to use when your phone rings and you have to answer it:

1.  "Good morning!  How's the weather our there?"

2.  "Hey, what's your problem?"

3.  "Leave me alone.  Just kidding!  ..I love people."

4.  "Who gave you this number? .. And how can I help you?"

5.  "Hello, and thanks for calling.  Make it quick, would ya?"

6.  "What now?"

7.  "Hi, my name is ________ .  Thanks for calling __________ .  How can I ________ help you?"

8.  "Thanks for calling.  Can I put you on hold?"

9.  "Hello.  What's up?  Forgot what an email is, I take it?"

10.  "Hi.  My name is _______ .  You have exactly two seconds to ask your question.  ...Bye."

Try them all!  And good luck!

KWA

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

NOTICE: FALSE INFORMATION PROVIDED IN PREVIOUS POST

IN THE INTEREST OF ALL WHO READ AND FOLLOWED THE DIRECTIONS GIVEN IN THE PREVIOUS FSRI POST, THE FSRI WISHES TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT AN ERROR WAS MADE.  PLEASE MAKE NOTE OF THE FOLLOWING CORRECTION:

On Sunday, November 7, 2010 at 2 a.m., you were instructed to set your clocks forward one hour in recognition of the conclusion of Daylight Savings Time.  This information was wrong.  What you should have done was set your clocks BACK one hour, not forward.


We now request that all readers of this updated post set their clocks back TWO hours to account for the misleading information provided in the previous post.  In other words, if you read this post at 7:00 a.m., the actual time you are reading this post is 5:00 a.m., and you should adjust your clocks accordingly.  If, however, you find yourself reading this post at 9:00 a.m., then you're really reading it at 7:00 a.m. and need not worry.


It's not that complicated, really..  What we're trying to make clear is that, if you followed the previous post's instructions and moved your clocks ahead by one hour, then all your clocks are off (..not telling the correct time) and that you should fix this.  If you're still now sure about what to do, return to the top of this post and re-read it until its contents are fully understood.


THANK YOU AND HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY,
THE FSRI





Sunday, November 7, 2010

REMEMBER TO MOVE YOUR CLOCKS FORWARD ONE HOUR SUNDAY MORNING


To all employees and staff at the FSRI and FSIHL:


On Sunday, November 7, 2010 at 2 a.m., Daylight Savings Time ends in the United States.  Please remember to set your clocks forward one hour.


KWA

Friday, November 5, 2010

KWA's TIP OF THE DAY #4 - BATTLING A COLD WHILE AT WORK

It starts with a little sniffle, then your skin gets clammy and then your head starts to get stuffed up.  Soon enough, you nose is running full bore and you're pulling tissues out of the tissue box like there's no tomorrow.  When people look at you they express sympathy and horror.  Some even turn and run away when you approach.  That's right, you've got a cold - the veritable crud - and you've got a thousand things to do at your office today and can't possibly let it get in your way.

With autumn in full swing and winter coming on, your bound to wind up with a cold sooner or later.  Preparing for this inevitability should be at the top of your list.  What to do...?

-After years of research in our Cold and Flu Laboratory at the FSRI, we've made a startling discovery: there's nothing, really, that you can do to avoid catching a cold (apart from completely isolating yourself from human contact).  If you are unlucky and do catch a cold, be sure to stay warm, drink fluids and relax.  Some say that taking vitamin C is a good way of staving off the symptoms.  This probably hasn't been totally proven, though.

If you do catch a cold, eat some chicken soup and in a few days you should be better.

KWA

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

DECATEUR'S POST ELECTION ANALYSIS

Hey, what's up?  Whatever...

So, you've probably noticed that there was an election last night, and that a lot of people were either voted in or out of office based how much they were liked or disliked.  This is what is called "mid-term" elections (I believe),  because it happens in the middle of a congressional term, or something like that.  Thousands of people vote on this day to decide where the country is headed and how we're going to get there.  Some voters are angry with the way things are; other voters aren't.  Either way, a lot of votes are cast and in the end (as far as I'm concerned) nothing changes and everything goes back to the way it always is.

Who cares...?  I don't.  What I do care about is that I'm already behind on my rent and my mom is starting to breathe down my neck.  She gave me till next weekend, so that's cool.  But still...  Give me a break, Mom?  I mean, I'm living in the basement, and who else would you get to live here?  And, for your info, I've got two leaf-raking jobs lined up on Saturday, so money is not a problem.

Sheeesh!

Anyway, my main goal this month is to save up for World of Warcraft's expansion kit that comes out early next month.  Totally rad.  CATACLYSM.  New max level at 85.  Two new races.  This will set me up through January, for sure.

-out
Decateur

Monday, November 1, 2010

KWA's TIP OF THE DAY #3 - USING YOUR BREAK ROOM REFRIGERATOR

Halloween is over.  The weather has turned suddenly cooler and the Holidays are close at hand.  As you stand in your slippers in front of your refrigerator at home and look into that wasteland of expired condiment bottles, jars of ancient preserves and any number of plastic containers of indecipherable (and clearly noxious and spoiled) foodstuffs, you wonder how you're going to find room for all the new delicacies your friends and relatives are about to give you?  It's a hassle to clean them all.  It's also a hassle figure out where to put the containers once they're cleaned!  No worries.  Here's what you do...

-First off, take the items in your refrigerator that you haven't used in more than two years and push them all to one side.  The next morning, before you leave for work, place that jar of eight-year-old capers in your briefcase or purse and take it with you.  Great!  After you've arrived at work, place the bottle of capers along side the container of yogurt you normally place on a shelf in the refrigerator.  When you leave work at the end of the day, leave without your capers.  Bingo!


As the days progress and you feel more and more comfortable leaving old condiments and rotting containers of unused chutney in your office refrigerator, bring as many as five items with you and watch as your home refrigerator grows gradually spacious and welcoming!

Happy Holidays!

(P.S. If you work for the FSRI, please disregard this "tip".  Any employee caught depositing expired food containers in any FSRI break room fridge will be formally reprimanded.)