ANTI ZOMBIE PATCH AVAILABLE

According to sources, this video describes an interesting development in Anti-Zombie technology:

We're not sure, but we here at the FSRI take this on faith, as we do most statistical data and anecdote.

Zombies are no good!

KWA

What Kind of Job Can You Get With Your Major?

As school begins anew this fall session, a lot of students are wondering just what kind of jobs they can expect to get once they gave graduated. The following is a brief rundown of what the FSRI is willing to tell you about what it knows.

If you graduate from a college or university you receive, in today's modern parlance, a degree (...in something.) This degree is also called a "major", for it refers to the major amount of work you've done studying a certain amount of stuff. This "stuff" you've been studying is supposed to make you more knowledgeable in a specific area of stuff, and presumably, this extra knowledge in this specific stuff will get you a job.

Here are different majors and the jobs they will get you:

SOCIOLOGY: Majoring is sociology is an excellent major in todays job market. Sociology majors land jobs in everything from online dating companies to events-planning outfits. Sociology majors know how to socialize. They can talk! And when they talk they're understood and appreciated for that very fact.

BIOLOGY: Many students today graduate with degrees in biology. Biology majors study life, and consequently know a lot more about it than most people. Biologist get excellent jobs in real estate, health services (...such as long-term care and dentistry) and TV station programming.

ENGLISH: As a popular major, English has let a lot of students down in the current market. English majors study how to read and write in English, and with the downturn in the newspaper market it is very hard to find gainful work. But don't worry...! If you're about to receive a degree in English,

you've got a jump start on anybody who doesn't know how to read and write! After a few introductory courses, medical billing is an ideal place for you to end up.

BUSINESS: As always, there's plenty of business going on around us, and obtaining a degree in business is one of the most lucrative and awesome things you can do. There's big business, small businesses, dirty business and business that is "...none of yours." If you graduate with a business degree you can earn top dollar in any of these sectors. If you get a degree in business, you

mean it! You can get down to brass tacks. You know what a ten dollar bill looks like. In other words, someone with a business degree knows what the deal is and is willing to go the extra mile to get it done.

PARTICLE PHYSICS: This degree was important back when our culture was studying the birth of the universe and the factors contributing to order from a chaos inefficiently defined by the boggling laws of cause and effect. It's no wonder, then, that particle physicists today have a low potential for well-paying work. If you get a degree in particle physics expect nothing better than working for home ion-allergy reducing machines, toothpaste development and window shade design.

EAST ASIAN STUDIES: This is a bad degree to hold. If you're about to graduate with a degree in East Asian studies, reconsider. Try and convince your advisor that you've been misled and want the full Asian studies major. The problem with East Asian studies is that it completely discounts the "real" Asia and all the cultural and economic impacts that this region implies. If there's no way out and you're stuck with this degree, simply erase or eliminate the "East" part when filling out a resume. If you present yourself with a full Asian degree you have a much better chance of working in a Thai food restaurant, a toy-making factory or the illicit honey trade.

COMPUTER SCIENCE: As anyone with a computer science degree will tell you: "computer science isn't rocket science." That's right ...when you're degree is in computer science, all it means is that you know how to turn on and off a computer, surf the web, send emails and let IT know when a system is down. This is a wonderful degree to have! Almost everywhere today, businesses have computers that need to be turned on and off, and at most of these companies they need someone to monitor their online presence. You can gain a highly lucrative career with a computer science degree in today's marketplace.

FAKING SMART!: If you get a degree in Faking Smart! you are ahead of the curve. If you get a degree in Faking Smart!, you've graduated from the FSIHL (Faking Smart! Institute of Higher Learning) and you future is only limited by the limits of your imagination. That's right, when you're Faking Smart! the world is your oyster, and you are the pearl buried within that soft protective inner flaccid organism. As thousands upon millions can attest, a degree in Faking Smart! can land you the career you think you should have. And that's what we're all about. Fall semester has already started here at the FSIHL, but don't worry ...you can apply online with only a name and a credit card! (Currently, our system is down. We will notify you on this blog when our online application process is up and running.)

We hope this post was helpful in planning your career. Remember, if you get a degree from a conventional university or college, don't expect much.

K.W.A.

OFFICE SMALL TALK - CHATTING YOUR WAY UP THE CORPORATE LADDER

A recent post on CNN's career advice section discussed the idea of how small talk can help you with your career. We here at the FSRI were excited to add to and improve on this advice.

First off, when we say "small talk" here at the FSRI corporate offices, we mean "BIG TALK." Big talk is in effect "small talk" with big dividends. When you find yourself in a situation where you are waiting for a meeting to begin ...or where a group of your colleagues have assembled before assigning teams for the afternoon polo match, knowing how to small talk may be just the technique that helps you to leverage that big corporate deal somewhere down the line.

Anything is game during small talk EXCEPT these taboo topics: neveer mention cannibalism, Jupiter's orbiting moon, Ganymede, or the time and place where you think you lost your virginity.

Here are some tips to remember:

Talk about what you know:

To start a conversation mention things like the testing procedures for STDs, how dirty your home or apartment bathroom is, or with whom you are currently cheating on.

Listen:

When other people attempt small talk show them you're paying attention. Laugh out loud and throw your head back at whatever comment is mentioned. Look the person who is talking right in the eye and grit your teeth.

Be personal:

When someone else is talking, reach out for the back part of his or her arm and rub it affectionately. If you feel comfortable, push any hair out of his or her eyes and cup their cheeks with the palm of your hand.

Initiate conversation:

If the group is standing around uncomfortably, start the conversation with a little ice-breaking humor. Shout out that everybody should listen to you, then say "Boy!, all of us work for this company? Then you all must be a dumb as I am!" This is sure to get a laugh and start thing rolling.

Remember, small talk is BIG TALK, and anybody can do it. Follow these important FSRI-approved steps (...avoiding the above-mentioned taboo topics) and you're sure to make a lasting impression!

K.W.A.

DRAWING SHOWS SOLUTION TO GLOBAL WARMING

If this primitive illustration is correct, the solution to reduction of greenhouse gasses may be as simple as learning how to consume them!